A Typical Conversation Between My Mother and Me
- Me: You guys are so old.
- Mom: We are not. Mid-50s are the new mid-30s. We're in our prime.
- Me: Oh... that's what it looks like...
- Mom: *Pointing at the TV* Anne Curry is a great example. She's in her prime.
- Me: Could you handle a trip or two to Africa each week?
- Mom: Well, no.
- Me: That's 'cause she takes care of herself. And gets shots. Shots help her not get cholera and botulism.
- Mom: People in Africa don't get Sunday dinners.
- Me: That's what that was?
- Mom: Shut up. Or mom's making them cookies.
- Me: That's because it's Africa. And white sugar and white flour aren't natural. So they don't eat it. 'Cause they don't manufacture it like crackheads.
- Mom: So, I'm making these and you're not going to eat it?
- Me: Oh, I'm going to eat it.
- Mom: I've eaten white sugar and white flour all my life and I'm fine. I'm in my prime.
- Me: Yeah, but diabetes, high cholesterol and stroke are well on their way.
- Mom: Shut up. I'm tired of your facts.
I am making this post only because my current tally is 666. And that needs to change. Carry on.
“It’s true that American Catholics are a cantankerous lot, our messy house full of feuding factions and more than a few nominal believers contemptuous of church authority. Yet many pockets of the church also are brimming with youthful vitality and enthusiasm for Catholic doctrine. And even among the large swath of casual Catholics who chafe at church teaching on issues like contraception, tribal loyalty to Catholicism dies hard. The sight of Uncle Sam bullying Holy Mother Church brings to mind that old schoolyard saying: Only I can insult my mother.”
This.
Source: stltoday.com
This is me on Red Bull. Look at those wings. (Taken with instagram)
Free Slurpees from 11a-7p today!
Jag Wit Me
- Kid: You wanna jag wit me?
- Me: Hecks yeah, I'll jag with you!
- *turn on Moves Like Jagger and sing and car dance with kid*
Puppy Story Time
I just felt a little nip on my hip.
I was like, “That little jerk did not just nip me for the first time! I wasn’t even paying attention to him!”
He didn’t. What the little jerk did, was come up behind me while I’m sitting on the floor and rip the Band-Aid off my hip from the steroid shot I got earlier.
Then I had to get him to drop it and leave it (which he did) because he wanted to eat that sucker.
What a freak.
This little seventy pound guy is always good for a laugh. :p
Bronchitis, laryngitis, pharyngitis, sinusitis. Steroid injections, Z-paks, antihistamines.
I’m not eating pizza and watching Saved By the Bell reruns. Nope.
An adult Cape gannet (Morus capensis) has a wingspan of almost 2 metres and can hit the water at up to 75mph | image by Thomas P Peschak/Save our Seas
Source: ecocides
When I Find Myself in Times of Trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom.
Source: sharedislol
My Tax Dollars at Work:
Came to McDonald’s for a diet Coke between shifts.
Some girl marched in, gave the manager a hug, apologized “for how it all went down,” and then said: “but I really need a job. Only part time. I’m only allowed to work 20 hours a week, by law.”
I’ll save you the rest of the conversation. But I’d like to remind folks, and I’d do it to this girl’s face if I wasn’t scared she’d beat me down…
“BY LAW” means, if you work more than 20 hours per week, your state funded services will be cut. By all means you are allowed, PLEASE, work 20+ hours a week. It means that, after 20 hours, you’ll have to manage your funds more responsibly than your acrylic nails and iPhone are currently permitting.
Milking the system is disgraceful. Shame on you.
I work in social work. I see this A LOT. I always want to punch them in the face. Thank you, degenerate citizen, for allowing me to work to pay for your nails and iPhones.
Father Steve passive-aggressively keeps it real.
- Father Steve: I can't wait 'til the weather is warm enough so I can wear my shorts, too.
- Parishoners: *crickets*
- ...that's right folks. You're in the presence of Christ. Dress accordingly.
